Grace.

"Your prognosis isn't great but we will do what we can." I sometimes hear this sentence over and over in my head. I remember lying in my hospital bed not expecting the news I was receiving. For a moment, I felt myself dissociate. Many view this as something extremely unhealthy but for me, it is an escape towards introspection. A safe, silent place in my soul and it was where I heard the phrase, "You've got this." I don't think I was quite ready to hear the words, but I already knew. The big "C" word.

The doctor walked in pretty casually and I kept trying to read his body language. As he stood at the side of my bed and began to touch my leg gingerly, the sneaking suspicion I had immediately came to fruition. 

Pain wasn't a stranger to my life. Pain was something I learned to embrace and ultimately, became my confidant. It was something I grew familiar with. I always greeted it like a long, lost best friend when he'd arrive. At some points of my life, it was all I had so I was very welcoming to it. I'm surprised I didn't give it a name. If I could mark the first memory of deeply felt pain, it started when I was 8. You see, I was extremely acquainted and at this chapter in my life, the reaction wasn't what most would expect. Especially after just celebrating 2 years of sobriety.

I became a product of the environment I'd found myself experiencing since adolescence so, it was the platform on which I stood the most. Alcoholism. At times glorifying it and others, cursing it away. Strangely, the war within felt harder than the war my body waged against itself. I believe strongly in energetics. I think in this moment I accepted the damage I'd done to my body over the years and this was merely a consequence of all the years of abuse inflicted at my own hands. 

They say when you die, there's a moment where your whole life flashes before your eyes. I hadn't died, but I was hearing the dire outcome of what it meant to be diagnosed with a terminal cancer. I was 38 years old. My mortality was slapped right across my face. My life flashed before my eyes and it was in that moment I found what true peace meant. It was hidden in the folds of what is called my life. My path. My journey. My saving grace was in the moments I found solace in healing all that I thought had been healed. It was in Cancer, I found my power and for that, I'm truly grateful.